Golf Jokes

Golf Jokes have been around as long as the game itself! We've tried to share some of the better golf jokes and golf quotes on this page and may even include an occasional funny story.

Wherever possible, we credit the origin of the golf joke, but sometimes the original source has been lost. We take no credit for these gems, but simply share them for your enjoyment. ENJOY!

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~ Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
~ Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~ Author Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Author Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~ Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.
~ Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

We are continually adding new golf jokes and quotes to this page. If you have golf jokes, quotes or even a story that you think others would enjoy, please send us an email with Golf Jokes in the subject line.
(Note: Only golf jokes in good taste will be posted online, although we do reserve the right to laugh offline!)